Crossing Fences

In Missouri, prior to 1969 the law of the land regarding fencing was “open range.” Open range meant it was the landowners responsibility to “fence out” neighboring livestock. Livestock, like wildlife, had free range of the land. That all changed in 1969 when the laws changed to “closed range.” Thank goodness the livestock these days are more educated and understand boundaries, since the livestock owner has to “fence in” their livestock and livestock are not allowed outside those fences. I never had that much appreciation for how educated our Missouri livestock was until I grew up in the outdoors crossing fences. Over the course of forty years it is amazing how much you can learn from such a small and seemingly inconsequential action as crossing, or not crossing, a fence. And the cattle have it figured out.

The first lesson about crossing fences took me well over thirty years to learn and I still forget it occasionally. I experienced déjà vu as I recognized the question and tone that my wife used was identical to that used by my mother for years while doing my laundry and I finally put it all together. From the time I was a young boy up until, umm… last year,… from the laundry room came that same incredulous, distressed, and disgusted voice questioning why I had worn my good pants out in the woods. When crossing a fence, if you are wearing new britches they will rip every time. That is a law written by the fence gods. Take it to the bank.

The second lesson about crossing fences is that hunting dogs and their quarry are color blind and they aren’t as smart as livestock. Either that or they just don’t care about boundaries. Trusting hunting dogs on property boundaries is like trusting the government on international borders – someone is always on the wrong side. Also, all those purple trees aren’t the result of vandals with bad taste in paint color. Apparently, every hunting dog I’ve ever hunted behind was color blind. If you are in the middle of pubic hunting ground and your blue tick strikes, you can bet that the coon and the dog will make a bee-line for the nearest private fence or pretty purple trees, especially if the landowner doesn’t want you there. It’s aggravating when a fella pays big dollars for a top notch hunting dog and it isn’t even as smart as Ol’ Bessie the cow. It’s also really embarrassing when the dog trees in the landowners backyard. Truth be known, I think the coons, coyotes, foxes, and rabbits know the rules but try to frame our hunting dogs. I’ve heard deer do the same thing….

Next lesson - fences will make a liar out of your dad. If you are under 12 years old, ask the Old Man if he can do a forward flip and land on his feet while decked out in his turkey hunting garb. He will tell you, “no way.” Next, begin working a turkey with an old, barely visible, knee-high fence about twenty steps out in front of you. Now, don’t tell the Old Man there is a fence out there. At forty steps, as he shoots the turkey out from under you while it was coming right to you, he will jump up and run like a mad man for the bird. Just about the time he gets to the knee-high fence he will perform the most amazing acrobatic front flip you have ever seen. The judges would all hold up the perfect “10” card if it weren’t for him loosing his shotgun in mid-air and bouncing his butt off the ground on the landing. It’s probably a good idea to go to the bathroom before going on this hunting trip because you will pee your pants after watching him flip and then from the laundry room you will hear that same incredulous, distressed, and disgusted voice.

The final and most shocking fence crossing lesson is learned while hunting during a thunderstorm and crossing the fence. With a bright flash, somewhere up the fence line lightening hits the fence and all the water on the fence raises straight up in the air like a Star Wars force field rising from a space ship. And, as you straddle the fence while holding the top wire down with your hands, you won’t be able to get off the fence. Trust me on this. Despite time going into slow motion and the electricity violently surging through your hands and arms, strangely enough you are still able to think fairly clearly. You remember the many times you have been stung by 110 volts from a house outlet and you compare that experience to touching your tongue to a 9 volt battery as compared to Mother Nature’s current lightening example. Finally, your quick thinking uncle realizes what is going on, lowers his shoulder, and hits you like a middle linebacker, knocking you off the fence with a bone crushing tackle. To add insult to injury, as your uncle lands on top of you, you crush your father’s prize turkey box call between your hip and the ground on the other side of the fence.

These are some of the many lessons learned when crossing fences in the Ozarks. So, as a landowner, when considering our boundaries and in the interest of the good neighbor policy, during fall hunting season it is sometimes prudent to remember hunting dogs and their quarry don’t understand fences and purple paint. On the other hand, this spring while turkey hunting, when contemplating crossing fences it is sometimes wise to take a lesson from our educated livestock friends and don’t do it, especially if you are color blind, wearing new britches, and hunting in a thunderstorm. So says the One-Eyed Hillbilly. Good luck, be safe, and get a big one.