Ted’s Turkey Hunting Rules

October is Missouri fall turkey season (Oct 1-31). Thirty one days of opportunity to put wild turkey on the Thanksgiving dinner table. However, be aware that the most successful methods in the fall are somewhat different than those employed in the spring. As a matter of fact, you can almost throw all you know about spring hunting right out the window…almost.

At the ripe old age of nine I went on my first fall turkey hunt with dad. As we topped the heavily wooded McFarland Ridge at our Lake Spring farm we ran head-on into my first flock of fall turkeys. What happened next was shocking to me to say the least. The same man who relentlessly browbeat me and shook his head in unbelieving disgust every spring turkey season each time I snapped a twig, stepped in dry leaves or sniffled to prevent snot from running into my mouth, had just shoved his gun into my arms, then hastily and loudly proclaimed, “You wait here!”

There I was standing, gaped jawed, in amazed disbelief. We were 70 yards from 40 oblivious feeding turkeys and my father had just violated his own Rule Number One of the Ted’s Turkey Hunting Rules – be VERY quiet….and now he was running like a crazy man through the woods straight at the turkeys (Rule Number Two – be VERY still), yelling and waving his arms back and forth, … hmmm. Ok, this was bad. Dad had just flipped his gourd in the woods over a mile from the house.

Turkeys ran and flew in every direction. Dad, now standing in the area that was formerly the middle of the flock, was spinning circles and thrashing back and forth like a blue tick hound at a trash dumpster coon convention. I, on the other hand, was nervously standing on top of the ridge, holding two guns, mouth agape, eyes shifting left and right, with an utterly confused look on my face. I didn’t know whether to laugh because dad had just broken every single ‘Ted’s Turkey Hunting Rules’ that he had ever drilled into my head (and now the turkeys were all long gone) or cry because I was afraid he was headed to the funny farm when I got him home.

Suddenly, he paused and started waving me down the ridge. I was concerned. What the heck does this crazy man want with me in the middle of the spot that is now as far from any turkeys as any spot on the property? As I reluctantly started down the ridge his motioning and the strained look on his face both became more intense. I had seen this behavior before. It was the patented Stephens ‘when your kid wasn’t doing what you wanted, at the speed you wanted, at the moment you wanted it in the hunting woods’ impatience fit (all the hunters in my family recognize the signs immediately!) Ok, now things were finally getting back to normal.

He was urgently motioning and loudly whispering for me to sit at a large white oak there in the woods where he had just scared off all the turkeys. Okeedokee! The temper was back but his gourd was still flipped I thought to myself. Then he took out his call and started making this strange ‘kee kee’ sound that I had never heard before. Great, he had forgotten how to call as well as flipped his gourd (Rule Number Three – No freelancing while calling – cut, yelp, cackle, purr, or cluck only). Might as well be playing Elvis I remember thinking to myself since all the turkeys had been sacred into Texas County. After 15 minutes or so of this strange ‘kee kee’ noise making, to my amazement, I saw heads bobbing through the woods coming toward us. Now the turkeys had flipped their gourds! A crazy man scares them off and then calls them back up with a completely alien call…everything I had learned was being turned on it’s ear.

Soon there were several young turkeys all around us and a few were in range. As one came around a tree about forty yards out I squeezed off a shot from grandpa’s old Stevens pump 12 gauge. When the leaves and briars and debris finally settled all I could see were turkeys running and flying off again. Only this time not only was dad up and turning circles again, he was also talking to himself in words that I couldn’t repeat. Apparently I had missed and scared off all the turkeys and now he was in a tizzy (Rule Number Four – Never, never shoot before dad says to shoot). Hmmm, it was ok for him to run and scare them off but it was not ok for me to shoot and scare them off…I’m confused again. But, as dad threw his fit, I felt relieved since the man I loved was now back to his old self and in rare form I might add. All was right in the world. My miss had helped him regain his senses!

Fall turkeys are an adventure like no other. Breaking up flocks and the calls used to call them back are quite different than the tactics and calls used in the spring. And, many of the springtime rules that apply to you do not, apparently, apply to your father while in the fall hunting woods (Rule Number Five – Dad is always right, when in doubt, see Rule Number Five)….now that I’m a dad I really like rule number five. Be safe, good luck, and get a big one.